Studying the rows of Father’s Day cards, nothing seemed to fit. The predominant images were of fly fisherman, golfers and football players. What about antiques aficionados? Opera lovers? Theater goers? — these were the activities that appealed to my dad. Other than an occasional tennis match, sports were just not his thing. More problematic were the sentiments on the cards: “To the Greatest Dad Ever!” and “To the Father Who’s Always Been There . . .” As much as I loved my dad, he was not emotionally available, and often critical. Surely there was a Father’s Day card with a more “moderate” message. I finally settled on a funny card with a non sequiter about a five-speed trout . . . pretty lame.
Few of us can claim our fathers resembled the idealized role models from family sitcoms of the 50’s: Hugh Beaumont, Robert Young, Fred MacMurray and Ozzie Nelson, to name a few. Even the iconic actors who played them were flawed — Robert Young was an alcoholic. Fred MacMurray, a notorious skinflint.
But the fact that these men, and our own fathers, had feet of clay should not preclude them from being honored for what they did to provide for their families.
Today, bookstores have shelves of books devoted to parenting and the critical role fathers play in shaping their sons’ and daughters’ personalities. But when you and I were growing up, there were no how-to books, no family counselors. Only the rich and famous got “therapy,” and families were expected to keep their dysfunction to themselves. Every day, men went to the office or the factory and brought home the proverbial “bacon” so their wives could stay home and rear the kids in relative security. Fathers may or may not have interacted with their children at the end of the day, may not have provided emotional nurture — operating out of their own emotional deficits from childhood. But they performed their duty as they understood it.
It’s easy to forget that our moms and dads weren’t all-knowing, all-seeing super humans, but people on a learning curve, just like you and me. Sure, they made their mistakes. But they did the best they could with the information they had at the time.
Many of our parents are products of a generation that didn’t wear its heart on its sleeve. In this present era of “feeling our feelings,” we tend to judge stoics as humorless, emotionally stunted, even uncaring. But in earlier generations, stoicism and a “stiff upper lip” were considered admirable qualities — invaluable character traits in tough times like the Great Depression and World War II. There was no “alternate” way of looking at a devotion to duty. It was doing one’s duty that put food in children’s mouths and defeated tyrants like Adolph Hitler.
So, for those of you whose fathers were not as “touchy feely” as you wish they had been, cut them some slack this Father’s Day; judge them not for what they failed to do, but love and honor them for what they were able to give. Nothing heals our wounded hearts like the grace we extend to others. There's a special name for people who forgive one another: "grownups."
Source - Focus On The Family view link at http://www.focusonthefamily.com/midlife/adult_children/adult_children_and_parent_relationships/honoring_our_imperfect_fathers.aspx
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